November 2019

At some point, I stopped writing in the journal. Apparently it was after my first appointment at the Cancer Center. In the coming posts, I'll jump to present day and then work to catch up the posts with what happened after that initial Cancer Center visit. 

November 1, 2019 - Scan Day

Before this mess started, I had planned on today being my century ride with Peloton. 9:55am with Cody. Thankfully, my scans are later today and I was able to do the 20 minute Pop Ride. I got a shout out with less than 5 min in the class - it was GREAT! I had a hard time pulling my head out of life & concentrating on the class, but it’s to be expected, I think. I also did a 5 min arms workout with Cody. New month, new PeloARMy challenge. 


Scans - easy! Tech asked a lot of questions about getting diagnosed.


Halloween make-up day. 



November 3, 2019

Powells came over & brought dinner (and fabric!). 



November 4, 2019

Dr N called with CT results
Got scheduled with Dr. W



November 6, 2019 - Cancer Center Day

This morning, I walked into the Cancer Center. What a fucking reality check that was. Lots of deep breaths before hand. A lot of “I don’t wanna”s being said. This. Is. Real. Damnit. I didn’t want it to be real. 


We found Dr. W’s office pretty easily & got checked in. I filled out the paper, making sure Jon was keeping me honest, about my signs/symptoms. They called me back & we started to get the “normal” dr things done. Weight, blood pressure, go through a million questions.

A cancer care specialist came in to chat with us to give us her information, in case we need any kind of support on our journey. 


Dr. W’s surgical resident came in & asked more questions, felt my “tummy” and my lymph nodes. She left and went to discuss with Dr W. When they came back, he introduced himself and got to talking. 


I’m so thankful Jon was with me. Dr. W was talking a mile a minute. So much information, but still so much more to get. It boils down to 3 MRIs - 1) the rectum (which sounds like it’s going to be an amazingly “fun” MRI), 2) hip, and 3) liver. Depending on what the MRIs say, maybe biopsies. Please no biopsies. UGH!

He’d also like me to see a genetic counselor to get genetic testing done to potentially help guide treatment, but also find out if there’s something genetically going on. Honestly, I’m on board with that.

There was some discussion about how it could be anything from stage 1-4, we just don’t know. Based on the MRIs, we’ll hopefully be able to get a staging for the cancer. He mentioned we may be looking at chemo or radiation before surgery, or after. It’ll all depend on the stage. 


Basically, we know nothing other than I had a shit ton of polyps, it has a lot of doctors freaked out, and I need more tests. 


Now, to get those MRIs scheduled and pray that no biopsies are needed.


Everyone’s asking how I am. I mean, I dunno. Shitty, crappy, but perfectly fine. I feel no differently than I did 2 weeks ago, pre-colonoscopy. Physically at least. Emotionally & mentally, ugh. Worn down already. There’s so much information and non-information to process, all at the same time.

I want to cry, scream, break things. But at the same time, am super calm and focused. If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s following a list of things to do. If there’s something I’m not good with, it’s processing complex emotions. I often joke that I’m not emotionally available enough to deal with certain things. Guess where this is falling?

Sigh. Moving forward. It’s the only option.

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